she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
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