sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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