You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Randomize
