These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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