new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
