He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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