I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
