Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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