i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Randomize
