I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
