Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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