Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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