Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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