dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Randomize
