if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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