My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
