Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
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