I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
