I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
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