True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I smell like Dick and happiness
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
