I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
My life is pants optional.
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