Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
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