got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
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