i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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