Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
