I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
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