I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Randomize
