please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
