So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
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