Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
