Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
