you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
