So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
