Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
