i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
