A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
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