I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
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