Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
