Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Randomize
