do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
