I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
