I need to stop coming to work sober
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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