There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
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