This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
