I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Is it because I queefed?
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
