my mouth tastes like poor choices
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Randomize
