she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
