I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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