Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
We got so high we made milksteak
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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