true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Two words: blizzard sex
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
