She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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