i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
