Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
