Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
