I wish I only lived at night.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
