Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
she peed on how many people?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize