I murdered the dance floor call the cops
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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