I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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