I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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