I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
